unit of time

the unit of time can't be any terrestrial - second minute day or year

some how all thinking men claiming superiority over others promote some unified theory

and take them to their death

some talk about it still in their life time

recently I listened to some lectures of one of my teachers in his mid nineties now talking about his unified model of estimation during the lecture it was very clear no one is listening to him

that was perhaps in mid 1980s

this days he still carries some slides of heuristic estimations started by his mentor 70 years back

earning him 500 grams of gold and guy medal

I am emotional to take off in that direction to show how inadequate is our power of thoughts to discover truth in illusion

(truth is essential for human prediction)

I am told by them, thinking philosophers, that some billions of years ago there was no earth

I do not understand then how could there be 'some billion years ago' and how can be now units of time - minute or second when they did not exist some billion years ago

I frankly do not understand the speed of light and that is not only inflexible but correlates distance and time into a bond and can be used to measure everything terrestrial including silver or gold

that much I have to say about unified theories

except to remind they came from Hindu scriptures

where the unified theory is some thing totally on the contrary

'all is illusion and that is truth absolute'

it is for individuals to witness for themselves and not propose any theory

(illusion is illusion, there is no truth in illusion not even relative, it is delusion)

(I have no claim of superiority over anyone in fact I am the absolute unit of idiocy)

What is wrong with Hillary Clinton

I can't predict unlike any. 
Whenever I did, I failed (in private life as well as public).
I had tremendous bias towards my ability to analyze or gauge from news reading; but I misread and my hopes of future is dashed and not listened to by whoever in charge of creation of future.
My brother Gopal was better suited to predict tugged far away in a corner of world with 3 miles radius.
My brother Kamal was very quiet never given in to prediction even though certainly he was better probabilist than anyone I have known.
He was very practical since he played bridge where probability is not top skill but basic; here to be a bridge player one must place the cards in correct position with certainty - I am just echoing his words.
Recounting 2008 election campaign - it was clear from the very beginning Republicans were chosen to lose - they had no option but support the greedy war of Iraq and ordinary Americans were inflicted with wound beyond repair would not support.
Hilary Clinton was not supposed to get nomination of Democrats despite money and ideas. She did not have touch with people even though she was in public for twenty years. It was unrealistic ambition to climb the throne based on merit. She had to give way to an under dog - one time senator with borrowed ideas but people believed him to be more sincere than Hilary.
There is no sincerity in her. In the next 4 years after election she proved that much. She took the portfolio of Secretary of states traveled more than million miles visited above 100 countries created personal network of people of influence not for benefit of America but for her personal fortune. Kept nations secrets in her own computer and not ever shared with nation. Money spent on war never benefited America in fact created a demon called ISIS far worse than Al-Qaeda every where in the world Iraq Libya Syria Yemen Bangladesh ...
Result of her diplomacy for self benefit.
Future will tell if Hilary is preferred choice of the creator - that is - she is what America deserves.

i am expecting bad

i am expecting bad all the time
it reflects in my dream

i am told there is nothing abnormal about

failure

My repeated attempts to take over the control of the world failed miserably.

i could not even make scratch on the glass wall that hides illusion

nor was i able to view the illusion without huffing puffing or further imagination

i achieved no control

illusion is divine it is impossible change or imagine something else

i have to eat the dinner however foul or impossible for human consumption

আনন্দ

আনন্দ শুধু আনন্দ
বলার বা ভাবার বা করার বা মনে রাখার বা মাপার কিছু নেই
এখন আমার সব আনন্দ 

all is within my mind

24/7/365 days my body mind and all entities surrounding me is complaining.
i can't shut them down my senses
i can't leave here and now
i have no option but listen without putting plug in any of my senses
i can't eliminate any source

nothing ever is going to happen as per my wish
whatever happens and if i m listening
I must accept in dead silence without option without any doing

when nothing is happening
i have no option but wait for my sensors to pick up some sensation
eventually when they do
i must listen in dead silence

<mission silence>
<living in harmony with myself >
<myself is mine infested>

i accept all

yes

i no longer like to return to public

i have nothing to give

i have nothing to teach

i have nothing to appreciate

i have nothing

what is tomorrow i have not answered  except that i did not find it today

i no longer ask that i don't follow

can any thing be changed

i can't answer

without me there is night and day

with me it is both hard to live

তুলি

তুলি
কত রং ঢেলেছি এই পাতায়
কত সুক্ষ টান তানেছি তৈরি করেছি যা কখনো ছিলনা
আজ আর ভালো লাগেনা আকা 
তুমি বানাও যত খুশি আমি বাধা দেবনা
কাওকে ও যে যত খুসি ছবি আকুক
সবই আমার আনন্দ 

My offer of silence to all

I offer my silence to any reference to my past

I offer my silence to any reference to my future

I offer my silence to any reference to my present

I offer my silence to all queries to all

I offer my silence to now

I offer my silence to all queries about me

silence prevails subduing all noise of erudition, definition of human, and me

i do not read write talk or watch

i have nothing to offer except my silence - original and undiluted pure

valley

it is a valley surrounded completely by many hills insurmountable - none can ever come in or go out. all of them is me and me only carefully constructed to play multiple roles.

i play the role of a, i have to dress as b to reply as b, then play role of c d ....

all by me all different roles of me a b c ...

even in sleep i play this game - pain pleasure grief jealousy shame fear but can't cross the barrier

i have seen myself in a zoo in Thailand as a monkey buckled in my neck hanging above across the road on a steel rope - imprisoned shrilling mad ...death is my only escape

is there death - i mean MY permanent deletion of the valley?

my death wont end this valley i shall forever as the current and descendant of the valley. I am valley every grain of it every atom of it.

I simply tired of this never ending play where i change my dress character appearance every moment and show my emotions and feelings with none ever existing

i m alone absolutely one and only one and there shall be none ever

i m lone flamingo in the zoo dancing to entice all the watcher as my mate - my priceless pearls of love wasted

ant hill

there are some ant hills in my yard. they move one place to another. It is like a city making a move. They have to find a suitable place and prepare for months and struggle with infrastructure transport food and planning. The it takes many many days to transfer all belongings.

In the millions that live in an ant hill. There are many extraordinary genii that I do not know and shall never know. 

happiness

it is life time of unhappiness.

a rich fat man is unhappy with life

he has done everything he could do but is unhappy

each passing day is gloomier than the previous

some one suggested he possibly try and meet mullah

it is difficult mullah usually take afternoon siesta at the center of market in a cloth shop

no option rich man set out for the bazaar

he abandoned his vehicle outside the market and proceeded slowly to the center where he possibly could find mullah

mullah was sleeping when he arrived he just started his yarn when mullah suddenly got up snatched bag tied around the rich man's fat large belly and scram

''lootgiya - robbed rokho pakro - stop hold sobgiya - all gone ..." rich man followed mullah with heavy steps

mullah knows this area very well and all lanes and bi-lanes, he ran zig zag  and return to sleep after 5 minutes of sprint

it took an hour for puffing sweating rich man to reach mullah

mullah returned the money bag to rich man and asked

"khush - happy"

rich man could not utter a word just nodded - "yes"

my measure of unhappiness is what i can't leave without ....

history

I write history of me

I have been writing this for forty years

I write for me some times wistfully for my readers there are some occasional

it is not pleasant reading - besides typo there are often absence of no or not

i also delete most of them when I believe they are repetitive has no content for others to learn

last night too I was about to destroy

i stopped it is not necessary

i must convey as is observation

i m not making anything out of me for any after all

my history does not matter to me

how can this be useful to others

what am i trying to teach

what one must learn

why one is born

to move pebbles some distance

universe is organism

that one is

that is built singularly one

that is nothing of the universe

has no superior peer or inferior

the lord of paradise

there is no division

allisoneandwholeindivisible

the illusion of many is illusion of me

one has no option but wait till illusion evaporates

illusion is transient

india

I am not concerned about usa. I do not understand. never lived in a small village or town never known people intimately. i lived though in many houses as paying guest but not being part really. there are meany reasons - my discomfort with pet while it is part and parcel of american living. Besides pets Americans are very amiable kind.

In fact I felt emboldened by their acceptance of me. I prefer to stay with an american.

I do spend many of my wake hours about india. I read their news though they don't attract me. cricket football movies songs food politics are too much for me. yet instead of news channels in usa i spend time reading about india.
here are some articles i browsed and did not find interesting:
http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/lead/unconstitutional-exercise-of-power/article6963544.ece?ref=sliderNews
http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/lead/the-sadness-of-silence/article6966883.ece?ref=sliderNews
http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/lead/food-insecurity-and-statistical-fog/article6929823.ece

I no longer have appetite or intellect

supreme

climbing the ladder of my identification from mad to normal to failure to success to incompetent to expert to fragile to permanent to absolute to zero to nothing to absent to supreme - I identified with all - I did not go insane totally with identification with raving mad - for one reason alone - despite all evidence I am not what I am supposed to be - a part and not whole.

I knew all along some how that I am despite my delusion to a part of this world as all would say. I did not mind what others would say but without saying publicly I knew I am whole and I alone is whole. My world is an unbounded empty space that has a universe an earth organisms people ....

all is me and I am not one in particular or none in particular - all is truly my body parts and my concept my consciousness and my mind.

I can't be modeled.

all is my misrepresentation.

I am supreme. All is identical and same as me. 

final

after me
I do not know if earth shall spin sun still shall glow and there shall be another day
I am there and I still have earth sun and sky after Chhorda's death.

There is no reason to presume that the earth shall be after my departure.

I prevent nothing

I do not prevent my departure
I do not prevent any all shall disappear as I descend through the hole and into unknown

this unknown is strange

its composition is nothing - no hint possible non logical  non absolute immaterial

if that be truth and that it is

the world of me is totally false is squeezable to vanish into truth without any possibility of re-appearance

do i spend my time chasing my shadow
i can't prevent being idiot
often i engage in struggle for survival of my shadow

ride

radar less motor less oar less ride
Eskimo elder took waving away from kin
needs no attention till death

do away with people
no use of intellect to support living

the boat has little space
water and ice all around
sky above

motor is the creator of this painting
navigates elder out of universe

a moment to ponder but
elder does not
none to share the thought but
plenty otherwise
still of atmosphere

sadness from leaving all
leaving the world
familiarity of life

happiness
words are not needed for sadness

living philosophy

I have searched me.

I looked under all I know and do not know.

I did not find me.

When I thought I almost caught it just hid behind me.

It is just just out of reach of my body limit.

I can't touch me.

I am enticed by me in thinking all pleasurable sensation and feelings and proximity and result of touch by my body parts with all pleasures of mine in dream or in my imagination rebelling against the world who would penalize me into prison or death by stoning if I touch any of my dreams in my full consciousness and I DO.

When I do where is me?

Me is just behind my doing.

I am living my philosophy, I do all wrong and I can't help not doing wrong.

Since I am me and I am full in knowledge and consciousness do wrong and hide thereafter for all time to come behind my guilt and open challenge to the world to catch me and punish me.

can any catch me. I always remain any and all without exception.

dream is eye opener

I do not know of others but my dreams are very strong.

It is very long last for months and years and after effect is very moving. For many hours I shall be looking at why I dreamed since it always has some message about me. Often it has to do with ISI. My relationship with ISI was very minimal - it is existential. I did not wish to learn anything for more fundamental than earning my living and I could not depend on others. I really did not wish to have any certificate as long as I could do without it. I did not care to have any relationship with teachers. Not even my classmates were any near. I used to help them only to know what is going on in the class. I did not even know many teachers who taught my class since I was absent.

My brother had two lives - ISI was his life support but his enjoyment is from constant problem solver as a bridge player and at ISI. He did not bother to do well in ISI, He was content with what he got. But he was very extraordinary. He was a great problem solver and reigned supreme for 50 plus years. He died at the age of 68 completed.

While I was engaged full time to solve my problem of existence - he was bothered by it. He never complained never borrowed often he was burdened with no money yet having a family dependent on him. He did not have any philosophy except he slept on present and allowed present to support him. Implicitly he knew present could be without him. He shall always have present and present is his provider. He never had to make his future he had only to live his present. He was voracious reader and read many things without making conscious choice. He was fond of thrillers, sf, etc and was not bothered about philosophy or religion. He was with known people.

After his death all spontaneously heaped praise on him as a person and great accomplished scholar teacher student every minutes he lived. Comparison with me was natural for all who knew him. I avoided even being seen in his circle. I had no circle.

My last dream was very unnerving. I was trying desperately working for a certificate to be equal to a class of people and I can't be. It is impossible to belong to any group for me - corporation, institution, society, family, friends ....,while I must earn my living - I get horrified with possibility I have no money shelter no profession nothing. In this dream I realized the only way I can be as light as nothing that I float on present - I must be without past or future and choice of present is already made and it is not required for me to change my course. Present always accommodates me.

At this point I refrain from speaking - because it is not quite true.

After the dream it took quite a while what is the message from the dream. Any certificate if given to me i must lose it there and then otherwise I will sink in present from the burden of a certificate (as anyone or anything).

I can no longer float in present.

I necessarily have to be absent in order to live in present.

I can't have life health body intellect judgement humanity money competence pride name anything including 'I' 'We'  or 'Me'.

terror

three persons for three days killing 17 person terrorized the networking world

150 persons with each having similar arm can terrorize for whole year the entire world

if it is a million we shall be living in this terrible world for life time none excluding

there is no way we can possibly stop possession of arms or creation of arms

i read Baburnama the autobiography of Babur

he vividly described the wealth of India the motivation for his attacking and possessing the same without any shame and respect to the wealth producers

thieves and robbers have this motivation

terrorist too have this motivation

why waste life time creating wealth but spend a few months or days acquiring weapons of killing and occupy

the sense of superiority and power is overwhelmingly head to trip the balance

short cut union with almighty

i don't want to get out of my shelter into atmosphere of flying bullet

i don't want to get out of home thinking to be killed or mugged

i was once not able to get out of car and wait in open with luggage to board a train to NYC airport

i was terrified

what is the solution

buddha

world without me