living philosophy

I have searched me.

I looked under all I know and do not know.

I did not find me.

When I thought I almost caught it just hid behind me.

It is just just out of reach of my body limit.

I can't touch me.

I am enticed by me in thinking all pleasurable sensation and feelings and proximity and result of touch by my body parts with all pleasures of mine in dream or in my imagination rebelling against the world who would penalize me into prison or death by stoning if I touch any of my dreams in my full consciousness and I DO.

When I do where is me?

Me is just behind my doing.

I am living my philosophy, I do all wrong and I can't help not doing wrong.

Since I am me and I am full in knowledge and consciousness do wrong and hide thereafter for all time to come behind my guilt and open challenge to the world to catch me and punish me.

can any catch me. I always remain any and all without exception.

dream is eye opener

I do not know of others but my dreams are very strong.

It is very long last for months and years and after effect is very moving. For many hours I shall be looking at why I dreamed since it always has some message about me. Often it has to do with ISI. My relationship with ISI was very minimal - it is existential. I did not wish to learn anything for more fundamental than earning my living and I could not depend on others. I really did not wish to have any certificate as long as I could do without it. I did not care to have any relationship with teachers. Not even my classmates were any near. I used to help them only to know what is going on in the class. I did not even know many teachers who taught my class since I was absent.

My brother had two lives - ISI was his life support but his enjoyment is from constant problem solver as a bridge player and at ISI. He did not bother to do well in ISI, He was content with what he got. But he was very extraordinary. He was a great problem solver and reigned supreme for 50 plus years. He died at the age of 68 completed.

While I was engaged full time to solve my problem of existence - he was bothered by it. He never complained never borrowed often he was burdened with no money yet having a family dependent on him. He did not have any philosophy except he slept on present and allowed present to support him. Implicitly he knew present could be without him. He shall always have present and present is his provider. He never had to make his future he had only to live his present. He was voracious reader and read many things without making conscious choice. He was fond of thrillers, sf, etc and was not bothered about philosophy or religion. He was with known people.

After his death all spontaneously heaped praise on him as a person and great accomplished scholar teacher student every minutes he lived. Comparison with me was natural for all who knew him. I avoided even being seen in his circle. I had no circle.

My last dream was very unnerving. I was trying desperately working for a certificate to be equal to a class of people and I can't be. It is impossible to belong to any group for me - corporation, institution, society, family, friends ....,while I must earn my living - I get horrified with possibility I have no money shelter no profession nothing. In this dream I realized the only way I can be as light as nothing that I float on present - I must be without past or future and choice of present is already made and it is not required for me to change my course. Present always accommodates me.

At this point I refrain from speaking - because it is not quite true.

After the dream it took quite a while what is the message from the dream. Any certificate if given to me i must lose it there and then otherwise I will sink in present from the burden of a certificate (as anyone or anything).

I can no longer float in present.

I necessarily have to be absent in order to live in present.

I can't have life health body intellect judgement humanity money competence pride name anything including 'I' 'We'  or 'Me'.

terror

three persons for three days killing 17 person terrorized the networking world

150 persons with each having similar arm can terrorize for whole year the entire world

if it is a million we shall be living in this terrible world for life time none excluding

there is no way we can possibly stop possession of arms or creation of arms

i read Baburnama the autobiography of Babur

he vividly described the wealth of India the motivation for his attacking and possessing the same without any shame and respect to the wealth producers

thieves and robbers have this motivation

terrorist too have this motivation

why waste life time creating wealth but spend a few months or days acquiring weapons of killing and occupy

the sense of superiority and power is overwhelmingly head to trip the balance

short cut union with almighty

i don't want to get out of my shelter into atmosphere of flying bullet

i don't want to get out of home thinking to be killed or mugged

i was once not able to get out of car and wait in open with luggage to board a train to NYC airport

i was terrified

what is the solution

buddha

world without me